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Maple Syrup Festival!

Well now on to happier things-like the Maple Syrup Festival!

We got there just in time for the last of the pancakes with fresh maple syrup and corn on the cob. It was delicious! There’s something awesome about sitting outside, under the trees, eating lunch when it’s like 32 friggen degrees. Cold, yet thankfully really sunny.

Here’s where they were making the syrup…

One of the things I like about having a blog is being able to go back at last years photos and compare how much Canyon has grown!

These are geese…

This is Canyon crying hysterically because we won’t let him join the geese in the water…

That boy really loves to splash around!

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Moon Babies

So. Where have I been?

I have been freaking out.

It started the day of our Minnesota trip back in January. OK, really it started on Winter Solstice.

Remember that amazing, Full Moon, Lunar Eclipse, Winter Solstice Night? Well it was too cold to make a fire in the back yard but we did make a baby!

Yay Winter Solstice Full Moon Lunar Eclipse Baby!

We were happy, but scared.

Being pregnant brings out the worst in me when it comes to anxiety. I have a hard time enjoying the moments because I want to hold that baby in my arms and know it is OK. With everything that happened with Canyon I was hoping that this pregnancy would be different. Maybe I would actually get to a third trimester! Maybe I could actually take my baby home when it’s born instead of spending 48 days in the NICU!

My doctor was thrilled. He said that I had lost so much weight that he didn’t recognize me, that I had all of the fibroid tumors removed, that my blood sugar was under amazing control-this was going to be good. I left that appointment totally giddy.

I decided to enjoy this one. I walked, ate right, napped a whole lot and generally relaxed and rubbed my belly a lot.

I was dying to tell everyone from the minute I knew. It’s such an exciting thing but we are all encouraged never tell until the end of the first trimester in case something goes wrong. But that kind of sucks, because if something does go wrong I want the support of friends and family-not just grieve alone like it’s some dirty secret.

So the pregnancy slowly stole out during the first few months leading up to Canyon’s birthday party where we started to make it more public. I was eager to tell my Facebook friends but decided to wait just a few more days until we had the first ultrasound.

I love ultrasounds. I love that huge exhalation when I hear that first heart beat, knowing that everything is still kicking down there. Except this time things were a little different. John saw it first and then I started to realize what was happening on the screen. “Well I have a surprise for you,” the technician said, “Twins!” I about fell off the exam table. Shocked. I laughed myself silly. TWINS. I did not see this coming. John said, “We’re going to need a bigger car.”

On the ride to the appointment I had said to John, “I wish we had started sooner because I would have liked to have had three kids.” Those words echo in my mind!

So twins it is. And while this is very exciting from a big family way it also is scary from the challenging pregnancy way.

A week later was my next appointment with my OB/GYN. He had been on vacation so hadn’t read the news yet. He walked in all smiles. “Did you see the ultrasound?” I said, “No” he said. I held up two fingers, “TWO!” His face froze. “Twins?” “Yep. Twins.”

No if Dr. L had been allowed to say the first thing that popped into his head I am pretty sure it would have been “Fuck.” Because that’s pretty much the feeling I left with. “We’re fucked.”

Twins puts any pregnancy into a challenging area. With me it is a triple threat-Twins. Diabetic ( I had gestational diabetes with Canyon and it never fully went away). And a history of PROM (premature rupture of membranes). This wasn’t good. So not-good that Dr. L jumps in and says,

“On one hand I want to be all “yay babies” but on the other hand this can be a problem. I want you to know that you are a candidate for Selective Reduction”.

This is where I say, “Fuck.” Stare. “Is it really that bad?” He goes on to explain that yes, yes it is.

He talks about how lucky we were with Canyon, how it was a miracle that he is as healthy and strong as he is, etc. How lucky I was to make it through all of my medical trials and his with and I will quote here, “Much less psychological trauma than most women”. Obviously he doesn’t know that I still break down and weep over those horrible first months.

I explain, that, gee thanks for the offer but I am not going to off one of my kids “just in case”. We’re going for it.

But “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” keeps running through my head. And then I giggle at “bush” and am pleased that I can still keep my sense of humor through all of this.

I don’t know how I managed to drive home. I called John from the front yard. “Open the door and don’t freak out when you see me.”

He did and he didn’t. I curled up on the couch and sobbed in the same spot I did as when I came home from the hospital without Canyon. But this time Canyon crawled straight into my lap and gave me hugs and Lilo curled up on the other side to give me kisses. This was much better.

So we go back and forth on how optimistic we are. We keep hearing first hand horror stories of early births, and deaths. Stories from real people who are close to us and not just people on the Internet. (Side note-I really need to stop researching this on the Internet.”

This week a friend of mine died suddenly-suicide-and this has torn me up. This has brought a lot of grief and stress and I think that it finally affected me physically. I had lower back pain and cramping for several hours and combined with all the “encouragement” I had from my doctor I was convinced that something was wrong. So after speaking to the doctor on the phone I was told to come to the emergency room. The same unit where I went after my water broke at 27 weeks with Canyon. Ultrasounds, exams and one prescription later I was sent home. Just round ligament pain and stress. In the end I am happy I went in because I got to see and hear the little Moon Babies and know that for now, all is good in the uterus.

I am writing it all down so that you all know what we are working with. I am hoping that by putting it all down I can stop wanting to reply to people’s excitement over twins by saying, “Yes we are really excited but they might die.” Because I keep wanting to qualify it to everyone. Partially for me, but also for them, so they are not taken by surprise if the worst-case scenario happens.

So at 15.5 weeks, or three moons as I like to say, we are going strong.

Blessed be.

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Trouble Makin Canyon…

And when I do get motivated to sit down and write, something like this happens…

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Waking Canyon

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How Am I…

suppose to sit down and focus on writing when cute stuff like this is happening all the time?

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Play ball

Yes, I am alive. Yes, I have been a horrible blogger. I promise to be better.

Let’s ease back into it, shall we? Nothing heavy or too exciting. Just a little photo essay.

Canyon has become useful to Lilo!

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